I got on my knees in front of him, my voice calm as I can make it. “Maje, you can’t keep lying. What is going on?He walks away, leaving me there with my heart in my hands. I see him pacing, like he is having a private conversation. Then all of a sudden, he walks back to the living room, looks straight into my eyes and says, ‘She’s pregnant’.I fall to the ground. My head….‘What’s she having?’
‘A boy,’ he says.‘How long have you known?’‘I’ve always known…. It was what I thought I wanted,’ he says.
“Finally, I thought. He chose me! He has stepped up and he’s finally ready to make us a priority.
It was my wedding day.
I was happy, yet I was waiting for something to happen. Maje had disappointed me three times before. We would pick a date to go to the wedding registry and he would call it off…. We had discussed eloping, but he’d never committed to any plan.
It wasn’t until we shared our first dance to John Legend’s ‘All of Me’ that I finally believed that it had happened.
We got back together (after a quarrel because Maje took ‘an ex’ to a party he bluntly told Toke he wasn’t taking her to and he and the ex were ‘touching freely and kissing’)… Maje invited me to Abuja…. As I was putting away my things I saw all kinds of feminine items – earrings on the dresser, sanitary pads in the drawer….”
Each time I gave up and let go, Maje would come after me and hold on so tightly till I gave in.
There was a 70-day fasting and prayer programme at my church. I joined in: I was praying for Maje and I. On the final day, I prayed and asked God to reveal why Maje and I couldn’t find peace with each other.
I opened my email address and typed Maje’s email address in. I had no idea what his password was but I was determined to get into his account…. I went through email after email until I found pictures of a boy that looked exactly like Maje
I was sitting in the bedroom one day. There was a bottle of Dettol in the bathroom and a thought came, very strong, “Just drink it and die. What’s the point? The whole world is laughing at you right now. Just end it.”
The devil finds a way to fill your head with lies when you have just gone through a period. These lies can make you question everything, including the very purpose of your existence. Lies like:
‘You’re not good enough’
‘This is the best thing that could have happened to you and now it’s falling apart’
‘This will end you’
When this lies came, God’s word provided a much-needed comfort and a reminder of my identity and His plans for me.
Moving on and Healing
Maje hadn’t made it easy for me to move on. He’d begged like his life depended on me staying….
And then there were the outrageous comments:
‘Maje spent X amount of time with Anita so she wasn’t the mistress, Toke was’
‘She didn’t break your home, you did. You came between two people who loved each other by marrying him’. …. That day’s topic was about making marriage work, and it hit me so hard that I cried like a baby. I wasn’t a virtuous woman; I was a girl! A girl with a daddy-void so large that she had all of her issues and expectations on a man who was still trying to discover his purpose.
All my mistakes became clear to me. I hadn’t lost my marriage to another woman. I had given my marriage to her.
While I’m not sure if I’ll find love again, I am sure of the contentment I have found in a God who’s got my back 100%.